Friday, November 30, 2007

A journey

On Monday, May 14th of this year I wrote this:


"So when life is really tough and you need a random something to give you a boost...have you ever gotten it in a way you would never have asked for? I did - and it has become a beacon of light for me. A symbol of God's amazing way of creating beauty out of ugliness for those who love Him. I hate to be the center of attention - unless of course I'm being the ham-I-am intentionally...but this was not one of those moments! I was singled out publicly with a large audience as witnesses and my instinct was to dive for cover under the chair in front of me...but I refrained...and I was blessed because of it. O.K. so never mind that diving under said chair would have caused me far more embarrassment than sitting still! It didn't end there. After I was given an already incredible gift (a drawing created during a sermon at church...though in all honesty it would probably have ended up languishing unframed until it was destroyed), I was approached by a man who offered to frame it for me free! I don't know what the future holds but I know that my God is great and regardless of my circumstances He will make ALL THINGS beautiful - because I love Him!"


Here I sit some 6 plus months later and I am blessed every day by that piece of art. It hangs above my bed in my room. Every time I look at it I am reminded that God has a plan for me. Sometimes I study the individual lines and sometimes I see the picture as a whole. It has remained in many ways that beacon of light to me. I remember at the time saying that one day I would look at that picture and either see the time when my marriage was redeemed or the time when God gave me new life. Either way I knew I'd be grateful. Well I do see that picture as a sort of marker for the time when God gave me new life. I am still studying the individual lines in that picture of my new life but I know that one day God will show me the picture as a whole. Even still I am very, very grateful!


(Oh and the artist is Jon Risinger http://blog.risingerphotography.com/ )

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

My dream home and some paranoia...kind of

We are supposed to be closing on the construction loan tomorrow which means we will have the money to actually start building. On the flip side what we don't have is the approval from the County of Riverside so it could still be another decade or two...you never know. In theory though we should be able to break ground in a way that is more significant than installing a fence by sometime in January.

Oh and I got to thinking today how I'm becoming strangely paranoid. I find myself walking through church, the bookstore, or any of a number of other places in Riverside that I frequent and I wonder if I am walking past people who's blogs I read - or who read mine - and don't even know it. How strange is it to learn such detail about the lives of people we never meet? It just made me think about what it would be like if we all got together sometime. Well not all because I know that some of us are spread all over the place. But if all of us bloggers and blog readers who live in, around or near Riverside showed up in the same place at the same time it would be like taking off masks. I'm wondering if anyone would show up??? Do we really want to be exposed or do we like the relative anonymity of the blogosphere? So, would you be there?

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Bittersweet...

I sent a text message to a friend who has been one of my biggest encouragements during the selection process for the dispatch position. I was super excited to tell him my good news. I knew he would be working so I didn't call I did the text thing. I get a message back saying "great congratulations" followed about five minutes later with "I got laid off today"... Can I just say that sucked! How do you celebrate a success and mourn a loss with a friend at the same time. To his credit he was super excited for me but it was a hard place for me to be! It was good in a way too though because for all the support he has been to me I got to sit with him last night and remind him that the measure of his worth is not in a job, or finances. God actively seeks us and our value is in Him. Even when we do not measure up to the standards of this world, or even our own, God loves us completely. So last week I was praying that his job would be secure...now we are praying that his house sells and fast! Anyone you know looking for a home in Newport Beach?

Monday, November 26, 2007

I FREAKING PASSED!!!!

In case you have no idea what I'm talking about - I passed my oral interview for my dream job - aka: 911 dispatcher. According to human resources I should get information in the mail within the next two weeks. If you could see me right now you'd see me doing my happy dance!!! Actually you'd see me looking positively disgusting because I ran this morning (yeah me) and haven't showered yet today, but I'm about to fix that.

Saturday, November 24, 2007

Totally Stupid Fun!

On Sunday I hung out with Adrianne. Well actually I hung out with my brother and my niece too for a while, but then just us moms went for a pedicure. Well after an hour and a half in a vibrating chair my brain was like mush. Not to mention my legs feeling like rubber. When we were done with the pedicures we decided to go shopping. We wandered a few other stores, then we went to Target. Well I was feeling goofy and sleep deprived...not to mention a little too relaxed from that pedicure chair and decided to climb in the basket. Adrianne was game to play like stupid teenagers so she pushed me around for a few isles while people laughed at us. One old guy asked if we were drunk...and I said nope...so he said something about it being a whole lot of fun to be having sober. It was pretty funny.

Adrianne kept asking me when I was going to post the photo evidence...be careful what you ask for girl cuz I might just have to throw one of you on too...


Thursday, November 22, 2007

I don't have a snappy title...deal with it.

I've been harassed for something near forever by my brother, but especially my sister in law, to start running. I have been saying I will eventually for so long that I think eventually passed like a year ago.

Flash forward to now. I'm divorced and wanting to find new things to do to fill my time. I have also just lost what is now very close to 30 lbs. I am down two full sizes and the size I am wearing now is getting big. I was out with my s-i-l Adrianne this weekend and it came up again. For the first time I thought, "yeah, ya know what, I could totally DO that!!!" So the fire got lit under my back end...but I didn't follow through on Monday, or Tuesday.

Then I was talking to another friend who pretty much called me out on it. He said I wouldn't do it... well I like a challenge and frankly if you tell me I can't or won't do something, chances are I will. Even if it's just to prove you wrong. Now, I need to mention that I use my treadmill, I just never run on it. No, I don't hang my clothes on it - I actually use it. I just have always walked and not run.

So yesterday I got on the treadmill and ran without stopping for 20 minutes. That may seem like a small thing, but I pushed past the urge to quit for the first time since High School. The funny thing is - it felt really good. Then I went and ate a bunch of really "healthy" Thanksgiving food. Tonight I came home and decided to try running again. I ran 25 minutes and you know what? Somehow 25 minutes was easier than 20...does that make sense? I'm gonna try 30 tomorrow. I figure if I keep this up, not only will I keep off all the weight I've lost. I might lose more, and better yet I will tone up what I've got. That thought really helps in the whole "I'm dating and I wanna look good" department.

I talked to another friend tonight who said she is signing herself and her hubby up for a 5K in February. She told me she's going to sign me up to run it with them...now I'm committed. I can't back out of that. Adrianne told me she won't do a 5 k with me till I can do it in 30 minutes...I have till February to work that out. I'm going to go ahead and call it official - I have a new hobby.

Next on the list I'm going to teach myself how to play guitar. One more thing I've wanted to do forever and never quite gotten around to. I'm liking this side of the single life. The side where I get to figure out what I want to do, and then actually do it! Fun stuff.

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

It's Thanksgiving today...

Well at least it is in my family. My brother the doctor has scheduling conflicts with holidays so we celebrate whenever is convenient and today is our day. For the first time in as long as I can remember we didn't have any extras for our Thanksgiving meal. We always invite whoever we can find that doesn't have somewhere else to go. I guess everyone we could find already had plans this year. That was kind of odd for me. Isaiah announced that this was the "best Thanksgiving ever!" at dinner and none of the kids really seemed to mind that daddy wasn't here. The grown ups on the other hand have all made comments about how much more relaxing it is without my "B.F.F." being here with us. If you don't know what B.F.F. stands for in my world well, it's my special title for the ex - he earned it when he told me he thought we could be best friends after we divorced - yeah right! I'm not going to post exactly what it stands for but if you really want to know ask me, I might tell you. Then there's the fact that we got a 23 lb turkey because we always have so many people and...well we probably would have had leftovers from a 12 lb turkey! Oh well the food was awesome, even if I only ate one or two bites of everything. Now I have a stomach ache and I was sleepy before we ate so the turkey aftermath is killing me! It's nap time!

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

I finished it...

I finished The Ragamuffin Gospel today. It was for me a profound read. I wonder if others who were raised in different (less legalistic) denominations are not so effected by books like this but in my mind it was huge. I found myself working really hard to get through it because every thought seemed so profound. I really wanted to soak it all in, retain it and be able to put it to use. Like the fact that somehow I have the idea that if I just do enough right I will measure up for God, but I never measure up to my own expectations how on earth could I possibly meet His? Oh, so that's the great part - I can't and He doesn't expect me to. Jesus met the measure for me. It's done, even though I'm still a work in process...the price has already been paid. I understand that this concept might not be so profound for many. It isn't a new concept for me. The problem for me is in the execution of it. How can I live like a person who's failures are redeemed and have my works and fruit be a RESPONSE to that rather than an attempt to EARN that? That is my personal struggle. Maybe if I can figure out how to live in response to the sacrifice of Christ rather than trying to somehow be worthy of that sacrifice I would be less tired of DOING my faith.

Does anyone have...

a copy of Blue Like Jazz I could borrow? I really want to read it but can't spend another penny on books right now. I'd go to the library but I live in the ghetto and I own more books than my local library - ok that's not entirely accurate but I went there once and was so appalled that I vowed never to go back. If someone reading this can help me keep that vow I would really appreciate it. Help a reading addict out!

Sunday, November 18, 2007

about a boy...

Well that's not exactly an accurate statement, really he's a man, but anyway... I have this friend - not the guy from Disneyland just to be clear - who is an awesome support. He is fun to hang out with, super caring, and...the coolest thing...he prays with me. Whenever we talk and I tell him about anything that is even remotely weighing on me he stops, immediately, and prays. It is becoming something of a consistent thing. We have great conversations about life and the struggles we share as we muddle through co parenting after divorce. He is intelligent. He listens to me when I am dreaming out loud, and then offers his perspective and sometimes advice. I never feel like I am talking and not being heard. He confides in me too, about work, life, and his son among other things. When I offer my thoughts to him, he values my opinions. Then there is the fact that he refuses to let me pay when we are out together - even though we are always with other people and they pay for themselves. We have basically become a pair within the group that we are connected through. We aren't dating but I have to say that having a friend like him is reminding me that it will be worth waiting for a man like this. To be really honest there is a part of me that wonders if, when life settles a bit for both of us, I will find that what I am waiting for has been right here all along. In the meantime his friendship is a great encouragement to me, a reminder that what I hope for isn't too much to expect.

Panera...

I told you I was going to come here today. I also said I would expand upon my food experience. So here goes...I always order a spinach and bacon souffle and a bear claw. That isn't the strange part. It's what I do with it that is odd. You see I come to a bakery to eat but really don't want much to do with the bread. So I eat the innards from the souffle. Then I eat the filling (plus the almonds off the top) from the bear claw leaving everything else behind. Here are my before and after pics....
Maybe I need to find someone who wants to eat all that bread...ha ha!

Friday, November 16, 2007

This is what I get to deal with

Tonight the kids were at a festival with their dad. They were supposed to be home at 8:30 p.m. So I went out. I ate great food, had a drink and one of my favorite desserts. Then I went to wander at a nearby furniture store. I'm sitting in a massage chair thinking about how I may never date again...instead I'm just going to come to the massage chair at a furniture store in all my kid free time when... at 7:57 p.m. I get a phone call...."we're here where are you?" So I said "I'm out, I thought you were bringing them back at 8:30 but I can be there in 15 minutes..." except that I don't know how much of that was even heard because he had hung up on me...nice huh?!

We rush home, and they are not here. So I call back and he says "well I figured you might as well take your time so we came to my place" I said "well we're home so you can bring them back now" but he had hung up again.

At 8:45 p.m. I hear a car so I head out to bring in the kids and three of the four are crying...hard. Sophia wants mommy. Abby wanted to stay at daddy's house because she had assumed since they went there at night it was a spend the night there kind of night...Then there was Isaiah. On Saturday he had spent his birthday money from great grandpa on a cd that he had been BEGGING me to buy for him. On Sunday he had taken it to daddy's house. He left it at daddy's house because he thought daddy might want to listen to it. Tonight he asked for it back. Well, daddy had thrown away the case - which Isaiah says he had put with the other cd cases but which daddy says was with a bunch of "trash." Needless to say Isaiah was distraught. The crazy bit is that daddy doesn't say - "hey dude sorry I accidentally threw away something that was really important to you, I'll replace it" he says "whatever - it was just a cd case."

So Isaiah learned the following lesson (in his own words)..."I can't trust an adult with my stuff, well at least I can't trust my dad with my stuff. I won't take anything over there ever again"

If there was any wonder why this fool makes me insane I hope reading about the experience of my day will remove any confusion! How did he make such fabulous children??? I think I must have some VERY dominant DNA! Yeah, that must be it!

Oh, and lest you think I have gone completely crazy...I didn't mean what I said about never dating again...but dang that massage chair was awesome!

I am SOOOO ANGRY!!!!!

I have spent the last 5 minutes spewing things out of my mouth that would embarrass a hardened sailor. I am angry beyond all decent language. How hard is it really to support your four kids? He left and is living whatever life he has chosen for himself and as far as I'm concerned good riddance but seriously, I have to pay the bills so your kids still have a roof over their head, water and electricity...not to mention car insurance and all the things that a responsible parent should pay for. I am not working yet because if I do it will screw him in terms of taxes...but he has no problem screwing me out of support that he is supposed to pay! Here is the best part...last month he didn't pay all of the support he owed me and we got into it over that, so he knows how big of a deal that was...and he had the audacity to tell me today that he thought not giving me support wasn't that big of a deal. Are you FREAKING kidding me??? I'm supposed to have a little birthday party for Isaiah tomorrow... nothing big and I didn't really even invite anyone, other than his two best buddies, because I knew I'd have no money but I figured at least I could buy pizza or something for him and a few of his friends. I've been waiting on the support to buy drinks and some basic things for tomorrow (on top of the obvious bill to be paid) and it should have been here yesterday. I didn't push that because I knew he was going to see the kids today so I figured he'd bring it when he picked them up but now...here I sit.
This is the crap that makes me tired of doing the right things! I am a pissed off momma right now and it would have been so much easier to scream profanity to his face and beat the living stuff out of him than to react calmly in the presence of my kids and him. All of the venom that spewed from the overflow of my soul happened after they left...is that still a victory of some sort? That at least I didn't act like the raving lunatic that I wanted to be in front of my kids?
I don't know but I must say the day is coming very soon when I will be able to have his wages garnished...and you best believe that when that day comes, it will be done...and fast! How did I stay married to (and have four kids with) a complete and total idiot for 11 years? I thought at one point it might be because I'm a saint...but I'm pretty sure now it was sheer stupidity.
UGH...so he just called and "miraculously" found his checkbook. So he says he's bringing me a check, not that I am convinced there is money in his account to cover it. I'll be heading to his credit union with that check as soon as it arrives. Here's hoping I get what I'm supposed to.

I just realized how resourceful I am

I'm not sure if this is really a good thing, and frankly it might be smarter for me not to tell the world about my talent...but I'm going to anyway. I'll just leave some of the details a little bit vague.
I am a curious person by nature. I see something, then I get curious about it and do research to find out everything I can. It is amazing how much information is out there! I recently had spark of curiosity about a person. So I started doing a little digging. There almost feels like an element of stalker in this but there is so much available in terms of public records that I don't really feel guilty. Plus there's the fact that I'm not actually going to "DO" anything with the info I now have, it was just fun finding it. Anyway, I ended up finding out all sorts of interesting information about this particular someone. I almost think I should start a business and charge for my services...the best thing is there would be no overhead because getting a hold of all of this information is free.
I was going to give you all the instructions here to find what I was able to find... but then I realized that I don't want to help any really crazy people find someones personal information. It just made me think that I don't want my first and last name out there! If anyone else is as curious as me, and crazy enough to do something stupid once they found the information, it could get very dangerous!

Thursday, November 15, 2007

If you are easily offended...skip this post!

I just had to drop another blog post on you all to tell you my favorite moments from the QBS gig tonight... The first is going to require a little background so here goes. Do you remember the Saturday Night Live skits with Chris Kattan as orgasm guy? If not go find a video of it somewhere! It's freaking hilarious!!! Anyway, my brother does a mean impression of orgasm guy, completely unintentionally, every time he plays. When you couple that visual with Adam talking about his "G string" it all gets pretty dirty and incredibly funny in my book. You all know I have no filter so when I put my thoughts down for everyone to read I run the risk of this being the result. I'm pretty sure my brother is mortified right now. As for Adam, well I'm not sure but I don't have to eat Thanksgiving dinner with him so if he thinks I'm crazy for posting this I'll live. Filth aside, the music was awesome and the company fabulous. Next time you should be there - whoever you are!

because I can...

I'm blogging live from Java Bliss with Quick Before Sinking as my soundtrack...pretty cool stuff. I would have posted pictures too but I can't because I didn't come prepared for such things. Here's the great bit... I am known so well that I just got called out by Adam for blogging during their set. My kids are running amok and I am watching Sophia throw a fit about the mud on her shoe. These are the best times! If you aren't here you should be! That's all I just wanted to blog on location for once!

My brother the rock star

He already got some love here a while back so I'll spare you all the bragging this time I just wanted to mention that Quick Before Sinking will be at Java Bliss in Riverside again tonight from 7-9. Come watch my doctor brother transform into my brother the rock star...ok or at least come and watch him do the facial contortions that come naturally when he plays. That my friends would be worth the trip even if the music wasn't good. The music however is great, and if the last time was any indication the company will be awesome too.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

As promised...

I said I'd let you know how Killarney's was...and I will but first I have to tell you about my first stop. I met up with my friend and we went to meet a bunch of other people at this total DIVE bar called Sire I think. Ok, now I don't go to places like this and it was completely outside of my comfort zone! On the upside I spent a whole $2.50 on a taco and coke. There were these nasty men milling around because we were a table of (almost) all women...men in bars are NASTY! I would repeat that for effect but I think you get the point. After most of the women in the group were sufficiently drunk to actually enjoy the attention of said nasty men we left. A few of the nasty's even followed behind...I kid you not!

We all end up at Killarney's. It was comedy night...or at least that's what they were calling it. I didn't spend a penny there...which is probably good because I would have wanted my money back on account of the false advertising. Seriously there was a "comic" doing stand up when we walked in and his topic of choice was gay guys...no joke, pardon the pun. How is making fun of gay people funny to anyone in 2007? Well I guess the answer is that it isn't, because not one person was laughing! There were three different comics in the 45 minutes I stuck around and you know what? Not a single one was funny. Their material ranged from the gay jokes to making fun of people in the crowd who, according to the comic looked more like "father and daughter" than a couple...except that they didn't look mismatched in age at all so the joke was patently un-funny! Then there was the guy who asked if anyone in the room had kids...and then wanted to know who left them home alone and who left them alone in the car...I am not a comic, but I am funnier than any of these guys were...WAY funnier!

After 45 minutes I decided I'd had my fill of the so called comedy and I left. I did a very old lady-ish thing. I went to the market to get some milk and then I stopped at the donut shop on the way home. When I walked in the door with donuts my dad immediately went to work making coffee...Here is where the story gets sad...I had way more fun with my parents and a box of donuts than I did at Killarney's comedy night! At least I can laugh at that!

stuff I'm reading...and plans for tonight.

Last night I realized I'm a bit crazy in the reading department these days. I am reading three books at the same time and have a few more waiting in the wings to get started on. I think the book that is going to have the greatest impact though is the one I just started reading. I was going to post a picture of The Ragamuffin Gospel by Brennan Manning here but the title is gold and didn't photograph well so you'll have to live without the picture. It's a book I've wanted to read for a few years now I think but I finally picked it up in the middle of my current turmoil...and the timing couldn't have been better. In addition to that I'm reading The Case for Christ by Lee Strobel, And the Angels Were Silent by Max Lucado...waiting in the wings is Slightly Bad Girls of the Bible by I don't remember who...and a few others.
I need a couple of hours huddled in a corner at Panera with my favorite breakfast so that I can get through a few of these books...Sunday is looking like a reading day!!! I had thoughts about mentioning what my favorite breakfast is but I think I'm going to wait until Sunday and post pictures instead.
Tonight I think I'm meeting a few friends at Killarney's. I guess it's comedy night or something... not that I care a ton about that but wherever the friends are I'm game to go! I've never been to Killarney's so I'll let you know if it was any fun tomorrow.

Sunday, November 11, 2007

Dark Night of the Soul...

Is it possible to have a spiritual crisis that is not at the same time a crisis of faith? From where I sit I believe it is. I do not doubt what I believe. I am convinced that my faith is well placed. Yet even the demons believe, and shudder. So how am I not the same as the demons if my faith is not lived out and demonstrated by action. What do you do when you are tired of acting out your faith? To give in to the temptation of sin, all the while knowing the consequence of sin allowed to flourish is death, seems an obviously poor choice. How then do you move forward and live out faith that will bear good fruit when the temptation to give up is so great? Anyone mastered this one yet? When you do let me know...because from where I sit the night is dark for my soul and it's not an easy place to be. My hope is that in the end I will find myself somehow stronger as a result of this spiritual crisis...

Thursday, November 8, 2007

It was good...maybe even great!!!

My interview went well...maybe even great! I had done enough research to have answers already prepared for virtually every question they asked. I was calm, confident and not nearly as nervous as I thought I would be. After the interview one of the guys on the interview panel walked me out. He asked if I had ever been interviewed by a panel before. I told him I had not and that in fact I had not had an interview of any sort in about 9 years. He asked if I had been nervous for this interview and I said that I had been a little bit but not too much. I said I felt that I had been as prepared as possible and just did my best. He said I should hear within two weeks if I had passed the interview. Then he said he was sure I would hear, that I had done very well. I know they can't tell you that you passed but I felt like he wouldn't have said I had done so well if he didn't think the news would be good. He also told me that if I didn't hear within two weeks to call HR because they send a pass/fail to HR and if HR drops the ball they can't do anything more with the applicant, so I should check in just to make sure that doesn't happen. I feel good about it. I'm looking forward to the process. Oh, and I found out that the background process can take 90 - 120 days. Translation...even if I passed the interview I might not be working for 4-5 months...ugh!

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

I have an interview tomorrow!

At 10:15 a.m. I will be interviewing for my dream job...no pressure huh?!?! Not only is it a job I have wanted to do for 12 years but I am also in desperate need of a good job! This one would be really interesting not to mention that it pays very well. I am a little nervous because I have not interviewed for any job in over 9 years! I also have no real work history for the last 6 years.

I know I can do the job. I am the queen of multi-tasking. I have four kids, homeschool and keep a decent house, I am taxi driver, chef, nurse and many other things...I don't have a choice but to mulit-task well. Then there is the fact that I have had the interesting propensity to be the one everyone calls when there is a crisis or chaos in their life...because they know I am the calm one and can handle it. I learn best hands on and most of the training for the job is done on the job itself. The crazy hours might be a discouraging factor for some but for me, with my perfect childcare situation about to be constructed, it is not an issue. I am actually looking forward to trying out the different shifts. I am dependable, responsible and generally worth hiring...I just hope they see that. Then of course, if they like me, I have to pass backgrounds, which I'm not worried about...and the polygraph...I'm seeing a little "Meet the Fockers" coming on...

Monday, November 5, 2007

So far so good...

The kids have been away over 24 hours now and I am surviving! I slept great...though not long enough because I played too much yesterday and I have way too much to do before they get back!


My coffee date was fun, even if it was a bit too short. Then I hung with Wendi. We stopped by what is probably my all time favorite restaurant, North Woods Inn - my kids call it the peanut place because they serve peanuts and you can drop your shells on the floor. I picked up my favorite thing to go...rice. Yes, rice! It's this awesome, I don't even know how to describe it, stuff! The great part is it's about the only thing that hasn't made my stomach hurt for the last month and a half so I bought a half gallon of the stuff...seriously I did...and I brought it home. That's all I'm gonna be eating for the next 4-5 days!!! Yummy! It's ten in the morning and I'm about to go heat up a bowl of rice.


Saturday, November 3, 2007

Long and I Rant!

I had a conversation with my parents the other night...yes with my parents! We were talking about how some people have the idea that I really must be so hurt/injured/devastated, you name it, that my husband left me for another woman. That I must be suffering self esteem issues as a result. That I have to feel like I wasn't pretty enough, or that I was in some other way deficient. Truth be told I believe I am pretty enough and likable enough that I am not worried about finding someone when it's right. I have never once thought I failed as a wife or a woman to keep him faithful. That wasn't my job and I don't own that responsibility. I have heard the "God is my husband" argument from several people too. I have been told that I shouldn't date because I should only need Him. I've been told that there is so much a woman depends on a man for and that I am (presumably) missing out on all of that so I might just go try to fill the role with whatever creep is available.

Here is the irony. I can't think of a single "man" job that wasn't immediately met by either my dad or my neighbor when my ex left... save one...that can't be met by either my neighbor, or my dad...eeewwww!

Frankly I have more emotional support from my friends and family than I ever got from the ex. The "man-ish" household stuff (ie: repairs, lawns and garbage) have also been taken over. The repairs are being done in a more skilled manner than they ever were before. I can honestly say that I wake up grateful every day that I no longer have to choose to love a man who was so difficult to love.

As for the "God is my husband" idea...God knows he did not create me with a knack for celibacy. If I weren't a Christian I'd probably be a sex addict! (and yes I said that to my parents - and no it didn't shock them) God is supposed to be our first love even when we do have a spouse so why should God being my first love preclude me from an openness to finding a partner to fulfill an innate need?

I really am doing well. My (ulcer causing) stress is related to financial issues and navigating the co parenting crap not to the failure of my marriage. The people who see me and talk to me everyday, and really know how I am doing, are supportive of my choice to date. They see me as real as it gets, and they think it's ok. I just don't see that there is some law on how long I'm supposed to walk around feeling crappy because my husband left. When am I allowed to not be miserable anymore? I quit being miserable that he left within the first month he was gone. No, I didn't start dating that month. It's been over 6 months and I am ready to have some fun!

I guess my point is, I'm ready to get out. I'm not trying to numb my feelings. I am a bit too aware for that to be effective anyway I suspect. I'm not looking to be rescued - I honestly don't see a need. I don't think finding a new man will solve every problem I have ever had. In fact quite the opposite. I realize that when I do find someone there will be a whole new set of challenges to face. I am just hoping that at some point I find a man who is God's best for me and who will love me like Christ loves the church. The only way I'm going to find that man is if I am open to the possibility!

I thought I was doing better

So I ate lunch today. Not crazy amounts of food just a reasonable lunch at about one this afternoon. It is 10 p.m. now and my stomach still hurts like crazy. I feel like I ate Thanksgiving dinner four times in a row, and just stopped eating ten minutes ago. I've taken my meds like I'm supposed to. When is this going to get better??? I am seriously contemplating self induced vomiting to alleviate the pain this full feeling is causing, but if you know me at all you know I'd rather die than vomit so I'm not really sure how to make that work for me.
I'm still fighting anxiety about Sophia being gone tomorrow night. I planned my day tomorrow so I won't have too much free time alone...if you read my drinking post you know why.

I'm meeting up with the guy I went to Disneyland with a few weeks back. We are just going to hook up for coffee or whatever and to chat. I'm really looking forward to having some really casual time with him. With the first date thing, and the big event that was Disneyland out of the way, I think this time I will feel more relaxed. So the thing about this guy that is cool is that he knows scripture and theology well enough to have an intelligent conversation about it. I sent him a series of questions in an email the other day and in under 10 minutes he had outlined what he believes, why he believes it and had scripture references to support it...that my friends is hot! Plus he is kind and easy on the eyes as well. Not to freak anyone out here - I'm not trying to settle down with the first guy I hang out with...but I am having fun! It feels like good practice - watching for things that would be nice to have the next time around (read: when I get married again). After my little meet up with Mr. Nice Guy I'll be heading to Wendi's - which is sure to be a rip roaring good time!!! Ok not exactly rip roaring but certainly chill and relaxing...ha, ha!

I think I'm fasting tomorrow - and not out of some spiritual motive! I can't handle feeling like this for single second longer than necessary! Knowing that food is the cause makes starvation easy!

I think I'm gonna drink...

So tomorrow is going to be a momentous occasion. The kids are going to have their first overnight at their dad's house. I am not really worried about it, except for Sophia who has been sleeping with me just about every night for over 6 months now. I try to get her to sleep in her own bed. She usually falls asleep there but by about midnight she migrates. I shudder at the thought of her waking up to find me and not being able to. I'm sure it will be fine and she'll be with the big kids. Isaiah is her big buddy so I know he'll love on her if she freaks out but I'm still a little nervous. I'm trying not to let it show though.
I have packed my day tomorrow so I won't be sitting around thinking about it. The final thing on my list is to go hang out with Wendi. I'm not a big drinker and I've never had any urge to drink to numb out but I have to tell you I have a serious urge to drink tomorrow. It's probably good news that my stomach can't handle much!

Thursday, November 1, 2007

I think I'm over Divorce Recovery.

After my little fight last week with the woman who insulted my friend I was a little apprehensive about going again on Monday. To make matters worse my partner in crime was sick so he wasn't there. If I had known that before I got there I probably wouldn't have gone. Anyway so the same woman who got all huffy with me last week goes on a diatribe about how much easier divorce is for people like me who go through it in their 30's when they are young. There was much more that she had to say about that but I was so done hearing it that I tuned it out. Obviously I was born on a different planet...because I think a man can be a great parent even to a sick child. I must also be delusional because I think being left with four kids, no job and no assets at 30 might not be any easier than being left with a house, a car and multiple properties all paid for in full in your 50's...If a support group is gonna call that support I think I'd rather keep to myself thanks!

I'm frustrated...

I feel like there is this tremendous amount of pressure on me to prevent any emotional upheaval or hint of imperfection from touching the lives of my kids. I think it is so totally unrealistic. I am stuck with what I have and am doing the best I can with it. In my opinion the best I can do for my kids is love them and nurture them while they are with me and make transitions as smooth as possible.

They are going to battle sadness and anger and potentially someday the urge to go live with daddy because the grass is always greener. They will never get "over" the fact that their parents aren't together. I'm not ever going to be able to fix that for them. I have come to terms with that. I am not trying to fix it for them.

The fact is that the court doesn't care that their dad lives with his girlfriend. They don't care that I think he is irresponsible for letting them see movies that are not appropriate. If I make everything a fight it will get ugly. The courts would send us to parenting classes, at our expense, that we cannot afford. There will be legal fees that neither of us can truly afford to pay.

The cost to the kids of living in a constant discord is, in my opinion, far greater than the price of a scary movie and the fact that bad attitudes are allowed at daddy's house. So I choose to make peace whenever possible, to focus on the positives and help the kids work through stuff that comes up for THEM. I will not make my frustrations with their dad a part of their lives. It isn't going to fix anything.

I actually don't spend much time frustrated with him at this point. I have kind of a "it is what it is" attitude about him and his behaviors. Unfortunately this isn't the case for everyone. Other people having opinions about how I should better protect them or have some righteous indignation at his stupidity is frankly just stressing me out!