Tuesday, October 30, 2007

I've got stuff to do...

and I've gotten a lot done already, but right now I'm taking a break. I'm watching my kids, who have apparently seen HSM2 a few too many times, sing and dance along to the soundtrack like they wrote it themselves! I think Ella is convinced she is Sharpay! I'd post pics but if I tried to take any they would stop what they are doing and pose instead.
Oh, well back to my tasks...next on the list is to pull the cushions off the couches and vacuum underneath...it's disturbing what ends up in there!

Monday, October 29, 2007

My parents...

Went home last night! They have a house...yeah!!! Their neighbor, who stayed in his home and waited out the fire, showed my folks embers that had fallen on their street. My mom said they were about the size of her hand! It's all too crazy. My friend...Alice (Christy) from the picture in my last post...grew up on the mountain and her parents still live there. Their street was hit hard but they too are among the lucky ones who have a home still. Isaiah said he prayed for rain again just like the last time there were fires. He has greater faith than I do...and it rained again this time too. He is really amazing!

Sunday, October 28, 2007

One long party...

My weekend was amazing. Not everything worked out exactly as planned but it was fun! The big costume party at my friends the Brown's was hoppin and frankly about as wild a party as I've ever been to...no, it was THE wildest party I've ever been to. Three drinks in and I was without a doubt the most sober person there...and in the most pain. Word to the wise...Liquor and ulcers shouldn't be mixed. So I quit drinking and watched all the drunk people get crazy! Sober people can still dance though - and I did...a lot...it helped if I pretended I was drunk - kidding. I didn't have to pretend because the drunk people were so drunk they wouldn't know good dancing from standing still. Here's the only picture you're getting...

Friday, October 26, 2007

I went...you happy now?

They told me they wanted to take blood to check for the thing that causes most ulcers - it's called H. Pylori or something like that. Then they told me they wanted me to do some test with my..."stool"...I told the kind doctor that I have four kids and changing a diaper still gives me the gags...no way in hell I'm gonna be playing with my own poo! Yes Marko I actually said that. Anyway she laughed at me and then said that she'd let it slide...unless my blood work comes back showing that I'm anemic. If it does she said she would push the issue. Then she asked if I had been under any extra stress recently...I laughed and said maybe just a little. Anyway she said, as if this would be news to me, that it sounded like I have an ulcer. She gave me some meds and said that if the blood work comes back with the H. whatever in it she'll put me on an antibiotic.

Anyway I just wanted to get you all off my back. I did it, I went, I'm not being irresponsible with my health anymore....or at least not at the moment. You happy now?

Thursday, October 25, 2007

For those of you who worry...

I just wanted to give you an update...I made an appointment to see a doctor tomorrow. I caught a little heat from a few people for putting it off so I finally took care of it this morning. You know I'll be posting all the high points after my appointment. Not that anyone really wants the gory details but you all know I have no filter...

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

My life long friend...she's sorta like my sister

Lauren has been my friend for about 25 years. We have loved and fought...sometimes over the stupidest things imaginable. We have endured what was probably the most traumatic experience of our lives together. We are bonded in a way that sometimes doesn't make sense. She has moved back and forth between here and Virginia so many times I think I might have lost count. When we get a chance to spend time together though it is like no time has passed.

She is in town this week and today was my day. We went to dinner, and had a glass of wine. It felt very grown up. That may seem an odd thing to say because I am after all a grown up but I rarely sit with a friend and have a glass of wine with dinner.

It was funny in other ways too. For the last 12 years, while I was taken and then married, she was often single. Tonight she was getting calls and messages from her "man" and I was the single one. It was an interesting look in the other direction. I fully expect to be helping plan her wedding by early next year.

Sometimes I get frustrated with her but at the end of the day I can't stay mad at her for anything. I know my place with her and her place with me. Our friendship is sometimes an odd one but I will love her forever!

Fun for me!

I have a very full weekend planned! First I think I'm going to get out with my parents - for the second time in a week and a half! Then I have a Halloween party on Saturday night. I'm dressing up and it should be interesting. I'll probably be saying "aargh" with one eye closed all night...Mark and Adrianne that one's for you! Then I have a date on Sunday...with a new boy. He is very, very pretty. Can I call a boy pretty? Well, I just did! In any event he seems like a really nice guy too. I'm looking forward to it...a lot! Yeah for fun filled weekends!

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

I got in a fight...

Well kind of. I wasn't really fighting but I stepped up to defend a friend last night and apparently I stepped on some toes. So here's the short version. A woman tells a guy that I know that he should have taken his son back home early from his weekend visit because his son was sick. She says he obviously couldn't care for the child like the mother would. My response must have been a somewhat forceful "ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!?!" because I guess she got offended. In spite of what I deal with in terms of coparenting issues I still believe a dad has just as much right/responsibility and frankly even ability to care for their children as the mom does. I guess equality isn't such a high selling point in this woman's version of reality....to me it's kind of like asking if a dad is "babysitting" his own kids. Which is, to me anyway, an obviously stupid question. No the dad isn't babysitting, he's parenting...how is this such a hard concept?

Random side note...my youngest child, who always seems to have a song emanating from within, is climbing on the couch singing "hallelujah"...it really doesn't get any cuter than that!

Monday, October 22, 2007

It's fire season my friends...

What does that mean...well today it means my parents have been evacuated. There seem to be fires all over the mountain. At least this time they had the opportunity to take some things that are of sentimental value before they left. They also cleared out the fridge. This might seem an odd thing to do but if you know what happened last time you'd understand. You see the last time there was a fire they were evacuated for 11 days. The electricity was off for at least that long and well...just contemplate for a moment what your fridge would smell like if all the meat and fish and, well, other stuff in there sat unrefrigerated for a week and a half...just typing that made my gagger go a little crazy! Anyway, they had to get a new fridge. Hopefully this time they will have a home to go back to, and a fridge that isn't funky!

Sunday, October 21, 2007

For some reason this is the song that always comes to me...

Beautiful Scandalous Night
Words by S. Hindalong, Music by D. Daugherty

Go on up to the mountain of mercy
To the crimson perpetual tide
Kneel down on the shore
Be thirsty no more
Go under and be purified

Follow Christ to the holy mountain
Sinner, sorry and wrecked by the fall
Cleanse your heart and your soul
In the fountain that flows
For you and for me and for all

At the wonderful tragic mysterious tree
On that beautiful scandalous night you and me
Were atoned by His blood and forever washed white
On that beautiful scandalous night

On the hillside you will be delivered
At the foot of the cross justified
And your spirit restored
By the river that pours
From our blessed Savior’s side

At the wonderful tragic mysterious tree
On that beautiful scandalous night you and me
Were atoned by his blood and forever washed white
On that beautiful scandalous night

Go on up to the mountain of mercy
To the crimson perpetual tide
Kneel down on the shore
Be thirsty no more
Go under and be purified

At the wonderful tragic mysterious tree
On that beautiful scandalous night you and me
Were atoned by his blood and forever washed white
On that beautiful scandalous night…

pretty feet

So today I picked up some pepcid like my brother told me to. I took it before I ate...and it helped...a little bit. That is a good thing! I wandered aimlessly for a while because I had no plans and none of my friends were free. I didn't want to drive too far because in the 10 miles I did drive I saw four overturned big rigs and other large vehicles! It was crazy!

Then my friend came to the rescue. She came to hang with me at my house - which was a death defying feat since she had to drive through the same sandstorms and overturned vehicles to get here - but she came. We went and got pedicures and had dinner together. Oh, and played a little competitive internet dating. Ok well I made that last part up...kind of. We did wade through the stacks of emails we've both been getting from all the boys on our respective dating websites. Hers are a bit more interesting though...but that's probably because she's is doing her internet dating search through some place called Sugardaddie dot com...Seriously! That isn't exactly my style - ha, ha!

Anyway, now I have pretty feet...see...

Saturday, October 20, 2007

An answer...maybe...

Tonight my brother (aka the smartest person I know) went to dinner with us after church. He mentioned that, while he's not supposed to treat family and didn't know if it was his place to mention it, he thinks I might have an ulcer. First of all he's family and I'm blogging about it for the world to read...if a stranger is able to comment on it certainly my brother is welcome to the discussion...though he might have slightly more credibility if he actually blogged himself but that's a whole other conversation.

The thing is I can't for the life of me figure out how I could have an ulcer. I mean seriously there's absolutely no stress in my life and I'm living peacefully in the lap of luxury! or not... So does this mean I might have to acknowledge that I'm not the pillar of strength I say I am? In my defense I actually do feel pretty strong...well except for the fact that I'm freaking STARVING and can't eat more than four bites but whatever! Anyway, I guess I may be internalizing more than I realized...

I'm thinking I might have to go see a doctor this week...I mean one who isn't my brother!

I gotta come up with a plan...

I am kid free tomorrow from 9 a.m. till about 7 p.m. and I have no plans. I'm contemplating a repeat of last week but I really want to try things I don't usually get to do. Now would be a bad time to get in some boring rut! Maybe I'll go to the movies alone for the first time in my entire life...but is there even anything good out? I never see commercials so I have no clue what movies are playing! I suppose I could do what I do with everything else and look it up online... ahhh the joys!

Friday, October 19, 2007

Someone called me a playa...

And at the time I didn't really like it much...now I'm thinking I may own that title, work it and love it. I'm just sayin'! I've got a little list going on and if I'm not careful I'm gonna need one of those little black books you hear about...Kidding! I mean really it's 2007 - I have a cell phone. I wouldn't actually need a black book. I am noticing though that my phone is filling up with the names and numbers of interesting boys (ok they're men but calling them boys just suits me better for the purpose of this discussion). I am the woman that never had the number of a man in my phone who wasn't family for the whole time I was married...now there are...well a few. I hesitate on the edge of saying there are lots...but I'm working on it! I'm learning to enjoy the process...if maybe a little too much - ha, ha!

Fun stuff...

Last night was cool. Actually yesterday was cool altogether. There was a lot of driving...close to 200 miles if my estimate is in the ballpark! I spent time at my parents house in Lake Arrowhead and was all over Riverside and into Corona. The best part for me though hands down was last night. My brother and the guys from Quick Before Sinking rocked the house...or the lawn but lets not get all technical. I'm thinking they may need to get learning Free Bird though...can't have requests go unmet!
It was fun to be out with my entire grown up family! It was good to catch up with friends too. Just good times....fun stuff!

Thursday, October 18, 2007

I think I'm gonna be a groupie...

Because I love my brother! He and some of his friends are crazy awesome musicians and they are playing together as Quick Before Sinking at Java Bliss in Riverside tonight. I'm really looking forward to going. I haven't bragged on my brother here yet so I decided today is the day.
My OLDER brother Mark is pretty amazing. He is older by 22 months - did I mention that he's older? He also got in way more trouble as a kid than I ever did!!! Anyway he's like King Midas. Everything he touches turns to gold. Well kind of...he works really hard, and he's super smart so he's earned it. He's a doctor, he golfs really well - wow I bet that's a surprise! I'm sure he'll never take me golfing again because I tried it once and I suck at it. He does however take my boy out golfing. I think Isaiah could be pretty good too, especially if Mark keeps playing with him. He plays the bass, and he's great at it. He can play piano pretty well too...better than I ever could because he can hear a song and pick it out like it's no big deal. He is a loving husband, a great father and has stepped it up with Isaiah to show him how a real man shows love.
When we were growing up he was intermittently my best friend and fiercest enemy...Here's a little known fact that he may wish I would keep quiet forever... When we were bored during the summer we would sometimes go to the library. We used to check out books about how to do wrestling moves like the WWE guys. We would then go home, pull the mattress off the bed and flip each other like crazy wrestlers. I bet you are wondering where our mom was in all of this. Well for some strange reason she was ok with it. That doesn't really fit her personality but somehow she managed to let us throw ourselves over each other's shoulders onto our mattresses for hours on end.
Just for the record...I'm pretty sure I could still take him down! Oh, and I love you Marky-doodle!

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Love/Hate Relationship...

I have one with food. I love food, I really do! Ask any of my girlfriends. I especially love junk food...well at least I did. My body has this special feature that shuts down my stomach when I'm under stress, or so it seems. I tried to do the whole mind over matter thing. If I just eat it will be fine...one more bite, and then another. It shouldn't be that difficult. Well today I ignored that switch thing that happens with a strange regularity at about bite four and kept eating. I ended up eating a cup of soup (yes it's a theme...soup seems easy for me right now...) and four (yes I know another theme) bites of pie. I pushed past the pain and forced it in...but then I was miserable. Not like just a little uncomfortable. I was in agony for the next hour. Then my body revolted. I'll spare you the details but basically I might as well have not eaten. I'm still in pain and it's been almost 6 hours since I put any food in my mouth. This is not normal, I'm aware. What I can't figure out is how to fix it. One thing is for sure though...I'm not going to keep eating past the point where my body wants to stop again!!! It's not worth the price I'm paying now!

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

I'm better...

It's been a funky couple of days but it's getting better. I still have stuff to deal with but I'm not feeling so weighted down by it today. I also got a good talking to by my neighbor who happens to also be a pastor...things don't seem so overwhelming now. He also had some interesting insights into my life that were news to me. It was kind of nice to know what someone was seeing from the outside. I'm feeling a buzz of energy...like some things I have been anticipating are getting closer to becoming a reality.
Then there's the fact that I'm realizing I'm not very good at being who God calls me to be sometimes. I know I have to be ok with being a work in progress. I don't like it but I'm learning.
Exhaustion is kicking my back end. The obvious solution is, of course, to blog. Tonight I think I will sleep well though. No morning DV to get the kids up and ready for! I am going to spend some more time at the building department tomorrow. That should be fun! It seems they have decided we need a grading plan/permit. We aren't doing any grading but never mind that. They really just want the money anyway.
I find myself anticipating my future with great excitement. Part of my problem is that the wait is sometimes just so utterly frustrating. There are a lot of loose ends in my life right now but I know in His time they will be tied up perfectly! Maybe it's ok every once in a while for me to have a couple of days of gloomy feelings because it makes the blue skies that much more brilliant.

Always good to get a reality check!

When I'm thinking about how crazy my life seems to be these days...I'm embarrassed to admit that it helps when my friends lives are crazier...does that make me a bad person? Oh, well. I'm gonna call it a case of thankfulness. Two of my girlfriends seem to have gone into crisis mode. Theirs makes my life seem calm and easy.
Oh, and in an update on the food front...I actually ate last night. Not a ton, but enough. I ended up with a killer stomach ache but at least I ate! Today was back to the same old thing again though...maybe I'll drop another 15 lbs. I'd definitely look better in my Halloween costume if I did! Ha, ha!

A great friend...

My friend called last night. It's funny how well she knows me. She knew with frightening precision what was going on in my head...and why...without having spoken to me in several days. I love having a friend like her. She understands why I think like I do...and a lot of the time she thinks the same way. She also calls me out hard on stuff sometimes, and will ask the hardest questions I've ever been faced with. I never feel attacked by it...or sometimes I do, but I know that's not the spirit of the discussion. When she asks the tough questions I am pushed to consider things beyond my original way of thinking...she challenges me and it stretches me. We can debate things and even disagree but it never divides. Last night was different though. Somehow she knew that what I needed wasn't challenge, or stretch. She knew that in these moments what I needed was compassion, and love. I can tell her anything and it never gets used against me. I needed to talk with her...and God knew it, but I didn't call...she did. Thanks Wendi for listening when God prompts your heart. Even in the midst of your own struggles and that unyielding postpartum fog you hear, and act. I love you!

Monday, October 15, 2007

I can't even begin to blog about this stuff

I'm stuck in my head today...I can't begin to blog about it so I'm not going to try really. Except to say that I'm frustrated. Frustrated with myself mainly, but also with circumstances, and to be painfully honest I think for the first time in a long time I am frustrated with God. There's no fixing it. It just is. So I'm sitting in it today. It's not a restful place to be but I know I can't rush through it. I can't get beyond it so I'll just have to wait it out. There are answers that don't come...and when they do I don't really like what they are, or I don't think I'm strong enough to follow through. What am I supposed to do with this? I'm trying not to be too hard on myself. I talked to a friend today...she said "Elissa, I'm so glad you're not God...because you aren't allowing for grace" ouch, but when is it grace and when is it justifying sin? I'm feeling stuck - I'd like it to pass...and I'm sure at some point it will.

Sunday, October 14, 2007

Why am I awake?

I'm not entirely sure why, but I woke up a little before 3 and haven't been able to fall back to sleep. What to do??? Blog of course. I haven't had a problem sleeping the night before going to Disneyland since I was probably 10... Thank God for my DVR and the internet! The funniest part is that I feel totally rested and awake. Here's hoping I can get a nap in later...I'm sure I'll need it!

Saturday, October 13, 2007

Just a great day...

I left the house kid free at about 9:30 this morning with no real aim. I did need drugs to cut short the misery of the cold that is coming upon me so I stopped at Walgreen's. I went to pick out which drug would do the best job and when I reached for a box I found my fingertips covered in something that vaguely resembled neosporin... do you know me? cuz if you do you surely know how this made me feel! A little bit sick to my stomach, kind of hot and cold all at the same time and just generally disgusted. So I managed to wipe off what I could and proceed to buy my stuff...right before I head to the bathroom to disinfect my hand.

Then I decided I needed coffee. My pick for best mocha goes to Coffee Bean these days so I headed over to the handy drive through. Got myself some caffeine, water and a coffee cake. I took the drugs I had bought, a few sips of coffee (ok or about half of it) and a couple of bites of the yummy thing I pretended was breakfast when it happened again... I couldn't eat! I'm kind of annoyed by the whole thing because I really love food! Unfortunately for the past 3 weeks or so I have been totally unable to finish anything that would resemble a meal to a normal person. I've lost like 13 lbs or something - which I'm not complaining about but at some point I'd like to be able to eat again!

Anyway then I headed to downtown Riverside. I love antique stores. I have four kids. I get to go in antique stores...almost never. So I went. All by myself. It was FABULOUS! Then I wandered through the little farmers market thing that was happening near the antique store. I talked to a friend on the phone on the way back to the car. After my downtown excursion I headed to "the plaza" Now is that an official name or just what the cool people call it? I don't know but I went there. I went into Borders, picked up a book, and read the whole thing in like an hour and a half.

From Borders I stopped by to visit a friend for a little bit. Then I decided I should try food again. I should have known better. I think I got about 4 bites in before the switch flipped. So I was off to church. The kids DV ended in the church parking lot today. That was interesting. I wondered if he would walk in to church since he had come that far...he didn't...but after hearing the message he really should have. After church we went to dinner with my parents. I had a cup (yes a cup, not a bowl) of soup...well I didn't finish it but close, and 4 bites of my favorite pie. The good news is I probably had enough calories to count for an entire day in that meal because let's be honest...Marie's potato cheese isn't low calorie fare!

I got home and put the kids to bed. They are all sleeping soundly. I am alone, it's quiet, and I might just read another book. That is if I can keep my mind off tomorrow for long enough to concentrate! Did I mention that I'm excited? Oh, in case I didn't...I'm excited...

Friday, October 12, 2007

Great News...

I just got a letter from the city of Riverside. I passed my test and I have an interview in November! I'm so excited I can't contain myself! I feel like screaming but my throat isn't feeling too hot so I'll refrain. I have to fill out something like 26 pages of background investigation info but the idea that I might get a great career out of it takes the sting out of that! Anyway there's not much else to say but I am really glad I passed...on the the next step!

Last night I tried something new...

Typically I have 3 kids migrate to my room in the night...and every time one shows up I get woken up, and end up with less space in my bed (Ella usually ends up on the floor but it's still amazing how much space Abby and Sophia can take up) So last night I shut my bedroom door when I went to bed. Something interesting happened...I didn't have any wanderers in my bed until after 7 a.m.!!! How cool is that? Well if you don't have four kids who disrupt your sleep let me tell you how cool it is...on second thought there aren't words to describe it. I got a solid night sleep! I'm usually up really late but last night I actually fell asleep at about 9 p.m. I did wake up around 9:30 and again a bit later around 11:30 or so...but after that I slept until 7 a.m. straight. I've been burning the candle at both ends so I needed the sleep. Plus I feel like I'm fighting the cold that my girls have lovingly shared with me and goodness knows I don't want to get sick right now...I have plans this weekend!
On another topic...Is anyone else watching survivor this season? The bickering is driving me insane!!! People seriously don't know how to be nice...either that or they are editing in every argument this year!

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Thanks Adam...

I edited your post cuz you don't know how to spell my name...but thanks for playing with my kid today. By the way don't you know it's a cardinal sin to pick a favorite kid? In any event Isaiah is all puffed up now so I guess that's good. Oh, and I changed what you put in about your blog...and if you hijack me again I'll have to change my password so be nice!

Diet Coke and Mentos

Hi this is Elissa's friend Adam. She ignorantly gave me her logon so I could post a youtube video of Isaiah and I hanging out and making Diet Coke Geysers. So, I thought I would add a poll and some stuff to her blog...it needs a little sprucing up.

Seriously though, Isaiah and I had a great time. He is hilarious and although we only used five of the 16 mento's his mom sent, he ate the rest in about 8 minutes. Tomorrow his farts will be minty fresh.

Isaiah, I love you man. Had a good time playing Line Rider too.

There's this thing I just learned...

That could potentially change my life. I'm gonna go crazy though because I can't openly blog about it! In a nutshell what I can say is that one of my dreams (of the not so kind variety) could be about to come true. Now let me say that I have absolutely nothing to do with whether or not it ends up happening the way I dreamt it would. I wouldn't wish ill on anyone...I just can't always control my dreams. Part of it too is knowing the consequences of behavior that I have observed. I think my dreams have been motivated by the idea of justice being served. If it is it will complicate some things in the immediate but liberate me for the long term. My life just keeps getting more and more interesting! I might be able to give more details on an individual basis...but don't get twisted if I can't.

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Because Sunday was too far away...

I went on a date last night...yep. He asked me to meet him for dinner and I figured - rules, what rules?!?! You know the ones that say you shouldn't accept an invitation for a date on less than 3 days notice or something like that...I think I accepted on about 3 hours notice but whatever. We went to dinner wandered a bookstore...and stuff. It was fun, and strange. As if it were even possible I think I'm looking forward to Sunday even more now. It is awkward and a bit unnerving to let my guard down even a little bit with a guy. I spent so long totally shut off to the idea that being with a guy in a romantic way seems odd. It's a fun odd, don't get me wrong but I felt like I was breaking rules and I wasn't even getting into trouble!

Tuesday, October 9, 2007

I was on the phone till way too late last night...

Actually I was on the phone until this morning, and I have a date Sunday night...at Disneyland. I'm excited! That's all I have to say about that...for now.

Sunday, October 7, 2007

Sometimes my blog obsession gets a bit too intense

I read blogs, then I see links to other blogs of people I totally don't know and I go read them. Then I read the blogs of the people who's blogs they read...this time that lead to me reading the back dated blogs for the last month on the blog of someone I've never met...and crying for an hour!
On the upside, I needed to be brought to my senses. Frankly I can deal with Miss whats-her-whore, er I mean name, pinching my kid if I have to (I'll put up a big old fight about it to be sure though). That doesn't even come close to being in the same ballpark as the stuff I just read for the last hour. I am thankful to have my kids to fight for! Especially after reading the story of a couple who's baby died at 8 days old from a birth defect, how they are living through it and how they had to explain it all to their 3 year old daughter.
Yep I'll take a fight over what to call daddy's girlfriend over planning a memorial service for my own kid any day of the week! Just a little perspective for me.

Saturday, October 6, 2007

Welcome to the latest edition of single parenting sucks when...

You realize it's almost midnight and if you don't do a load of wash your kids will have to go to church in summer clothes because both of the jeans that fit them are dirty. Oh, and you have to go to the early service which means leaving the house at 8 a.m. But wait there's more...the car needs gas, not that you can actually afford to put any gas in the car but isn't that what credit cards are for?!?!? No, really? I must have been misinformed. Anyway, with three girls worth of hair to comb I will have to be up by 6:30 in the morning to get all of us looking decent...or I can sleep an extra half hour bringing my total sleep to about 6 hours and go to church looking like, well, a frazzled single mom. I think I'm going with option B... if you see me at church you'll know which I picked!
Can I tell you what else sucks...Abby came home from the DV today and told me that Amber pinched her...well, in Miss Amber's defense, Abby said it didn't really hurt but "she pinched me because I called her Miss Amber, and I'm supposed to just call her Amber." I'm thinking Miss Amber is lucky I haven't taught my kids to call her "home-wrecking whore" and settle happily for Miss Amber thank you very freaking much!
Yep, so that is the latest edition of single parenting sucks when...stay tuned for our next edition when we cover such topics as "why my daddy had to drop me off early so he could go watch Miss Amber work", and "why we drive an hour and a half to eat where Miss Amber works when we're really supposed to be visiting our daddy." If you're lucky we might even cover "how mommy taught our baby sister to say 'home-wrecking whore'"

Friday, October 5, 2007

Is it weird that I'm craving the tattoo needle?

I know I'll get another tattoo someday. I don't have any idea what I want yet, but that's not even the point. I'm actually craving the buzz and scrape of the needle... is that strange? Wait, don't answer that! It has never hurt so it's not like I'm looking to be inflicted with pain. Something about it is very peaceful. It's almost like the calm between contractions during labor or something, a strange balance between control and surrender.

Thursday, October 4, 2007

Long day...but productive!!!

It started with a DV this morning. Right after they got picked up we (me and my parentals) headed down to the Riverside County building department. We go there to try and submit plans for the house we are trying to build on the land we have already purchased in Perris. I say try (and trying) because it seems the doing is a whole lot harder than one would think! We ask all the questions we can think up and get all the answers they can give us, only to find out they weren't quite the right answers....or as I have grown fond of saying...they assign you a new tail to chase. Once you find that tail they'll make sure there is a new one! In any event we got there at about 10:15 a.m. and waited, forever. After three trips back - or was it four, I can't even remember now - we FINALLY got our plans submitted. We paid enough in fees to sustain a small country for a year, but it's in. Now we get to wait for them to tell us about all the things that are wrong with our plans so we can fix it!

In the mix of all the trips to the building department we picked up the kids from daddy. The girls all had freshly painted nails. I knew daddy wasn't behind the artwork! I wanted to buy a bottle of remover and scrub that crack-whore's nail polish off of my babies pretty little fingers...but I didn't. I smiled and told them it was pretty when they showed them off to me. At some point today Ella asked if Miss Amber was my friend. I had to think quick because I can't say what I really think of the her in front of the kids so I said "sure, I guess." Well somehow in Ella-land that translated into this... "grandpa - Miss Amber is mommy's new best friend!" Thankfully I wasn't in the car at the time or I may not have been able to hold my tongue!!! Oh, then Abby was listing all the people she loves...and she got to "Miss Amber" and she stopped. She asked me "mommy is it ok for me to love Miss Amber?" I said (after gulping silently) "sure baby - that's fine" AHHHHHHHHHHH - that sucks. I told my mom though, if Miss Amber was any other person they would come in contact with in a school or childcare setting I would think it was good for them to bond with her. I just have to look at it that way because I know, in my heart, that it's better for my kids to like her if they have to be around her. The truth is though it would be easier for me if they saw her for exactly what she is, and their daddy too for that matter.

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

Every thought captive...

I've been struggling lately. The idea of getting back into the dating thing is both exciting and horrifying all at the same time. I haven't started dating, and probably won't for a while but it's something I am contemplating. I'm terrified about how I am going to be who I say I am, and who God calls me to be, in the face of temptation. The thing that really scared me is that I have had an opportunity to make a new friend. He's someone I could totally see myself dating at some point. Here is the problem - I have felt temptation and there hasn't even been a legitimate opportunity for misbehaving. I had a day of feeling obsessed and ill about who I could see myself becoming.
It's funny because even before I knew that my husband was cheating, long before I suspected that I would ever be single again, God had begun to speak to my heart. Mostly it was about purity and how I remember knowing with certainty that it was important to be a virgin when I got married. Technically I thought I was. I began to see though that what I had done prior to marriage was not pure. God convicted me that purity, not virginity, was the goal. I even had a conversation with a close friend about how different my line would be if I had to go back and start over. I had a clear sense then of where God was saying my line should have been. Thing is, I really didn't think it was ever going to be an issue I had to put into practice.
Now that I do there's this internal urge to justify that it would have been so much easier if I had to meet that goal having never experienced sexual intimacy. Meeting that goal, while knowing what I'm missing, seems like an impossible task.
I found myself contemplating behavior with my new friend that would clearly cross that line. I actually had this internal dialogue that said I should just go ahead and screw up once and then get my crap together and worry about purity later. Then I realized that to do that would make me just like everything I say I'm not. When will it be easier to not sin? Well the answer is it won't - I just have to not sin. Starting now, at my first opportunity.
Well at some point I called some friends who I honestly thought would give me the "just go for it and don't worry about the consequences" response. They both said "stop - don't - who are you?!?!" So then I realized that I needed to go where I should have started...to The Source. I need Him to help me stay pure. I need His strength made perfect in my weakness. Sure I can avoid temptation, but there will be some no matter how careful I am. I began to sense His words on my heart. I know that the only way I will succeed at being who I say I am, and who He calls me to be, is to intentionally take "every thought captive to the obedience of Christ."

It's been a little while...but I'm back

I've had a crazy week or so. The DV's are now happening at daddy house, complete with daddy's new family. Abby who is four came home saying "I don't want daddy to live with Miss Amber, I don't want daddy to kiss Miss Amber and I don't want daddy to smoke with Miss Amber" all between sniffles and whimpers. This effing sucks! Can I say that again, or do I even need to?
Isaiah says daddy calls Miss Amber's son "boo-boo" which is a name he used to call Isaiah. Now Isaiah says daddy only calls him "mijo" and it makes him sad. I can't fix it. So I just try to comfort them in their pain. They have been asking if daddy will go to heaven if he dies. I don't know the answer to that so I just tell them so. It's interesting how profound that is. For them to see his sin, and know the consequences all the while hoping that he will turn from it. They would like to think that something the do or say will change things. I assure them that they cannot fix it. The latest question has been "what if daddy breaks up with Miss Amber and makes the right choices...then could he come back and live with us?" The answer of course is a resounding HECK NO...but only in my mind. I try, though I don't know how successfully, to explain to them that he had an opportunity to make that choice and when he made the wrong one there were consequences. Even if he changed his choices now the consequences would still be there. I tell them we should pray for daddy to make right choices even though it won't change his consequences within our family because it would still be what God wants him to do. These are tough conversations. Mixed into those conversations come the sex questions..."how does the daddy get the sperm to the mommy's egg?" We've covered this before, I think they just want to hear it again so they can all yell "EWWWW" but whatever. I'll take comedy any way I can get it!

The other big thing that is going on is that, in a moment of apparent anger, Drew filed a response to my original separation filing. He did it just in time to put a halt on the settlement agreement we had reached, signed and filed with the court. Literally the day after he filed his response the judge had our agreement on his desk...if it had happened the other way around it would have all gone smoothly through. Instead I ended up having to go file an amendment to my original petition, serve him again (today) and wait 30 days to refile our agreement. It's all just a paperwork nightmare but as long as he doesn't panic again things should still work for the divorce to be final in January. I can't even express how much I am looking forward to the day it is officially done! Oh, and I got a parking ticket at the courthouse. It's not that big of a deal, only $13.50 but in my life that's probably about like your $250...all because I guess I can't read signs. I guess I parked in an area designated for carpooling, only I could have sworn it said 3 hour parking. I biffed it, so I'll be paying for it!