Monday, December 3, 2007

Amazing...and I handled it well!

The kids were with their dad and were supposed to come home at noon today. He called at about 10:45 a.m. and asked if he could bring them back early. I said I would be home in an hour so he couldn't bring them until then. I asked why and he said he needed to talk to me. I asked what was up and he wouldn't say. He just said that the kids were fine.

When he came with the kids they went inside to eat and I asked what was up. He kicked the dirt around with his foot and finally said..."I've been thinking a lot, and I keep thinking and dreaming about being back here with you and the kids...How I really want to come back."

I feel like I need some way of expressing what it sounded like to me when I heard him say that but frankly there aren't words.... I will however tell you what I said in response.

I said "I'm so sorry that you are only now seeing what you gave up. So many people warned you that you would regret your choice but you refused to do the right thing. You made your decision, there is no going back. You had all kinds of freedom while you were in the marriage that I didn't even know you had, all the while I was bound to you. You saw every effort I made to take care of you or support you as something else to criticize and never once appreciated it. I spent 11 years loving you completely and you never loved me. I will not do that for you again. The irony is that for all the freedom you took when you should have been mine, you left me for what you thought was freedom. Now you find yourself bound to someone else. When you left it seems you thought I would still be bound to you. Instead, I got the very freedom that you thought you were getting. I love the life I have now. I would never go back to you or that old way of life. I will never go back to being called names, and hated for the very things that I did to make you happy. I am happier now, even alone, than I was while trying so desperately to please you and never, ever succeeding. I hope you find a way to get your life right. I want that for you but even more, I want it for the kids. They deserve a dad who is whole. You need to be well for them."

I said all of that and more. I wasn't emotional. It wasn't even hard to say. I felt pity for him. What a sad and miserable person he is! I feel sorry for him but not in such a way that I feel any responsibility to make it better. I didn't feel any joy in the fact that he was hurting either. What I did feel was a confidence about who I am, what I want, and in my ability to express myself well. I think this was the most important conversation I will ever have about my divorce. I feel different now. Like this time I was the one with the choice, and I made it with certainty.


MamaSue said...

Look at you be all big! I see this kind of thing happen all the time. It's like the folks who decide they HATE living here, so they move to someplace like North Dirt, Iowa...then quietly move back within a year because they missed what SoCal has to offer. I feel sorry for Drew, too. He can never get back what he had, and he's regretting his...(looking for a nice word to use in place of "stupidity"), poor choices. Meanwhile, you lived for a decade with YOUR poor choice, and now you're seeing the other side. Congrats, Grown Up Girl!

Wobbly Librarian said...

Awesome, transparent post. Thanks for sharing. What a mature response to ..... well, I don't know the background, but reading your writings it is clear that you've struggled and grown and aren't a "limping along broken pitiful thing" but are pretty darn awesome. I admire you.