Saturday, November 3, 2007

Long and I Rant!

I had a conversation with my parents the other night...yes with my parents! We were talking about how some people have the idea that I really must be so hurt/injured/devastated, you name it, that my husband left me for another woman. That I must be suffering self esteem issues as a result. That I have to feel like I wasn't pretty enough, or that I was in some other way deficient. Truth be told I believe I am pretty enough and likable enough that I am not worried about finding someone when it's right. I have never once thought I failed as a wife or a woman to keep him faithful. That wasn't my job and I don't own that responsibility. I have heard the "God is my husband" argument from several people too. I have been told that I shouldn't date because I should only need Him. I've been told that there is so much a woman depends on a man for and that I am (presumably) missing out on all of that so I might just go try to fill the role with whatever creep is available.

Here is the irony. I can't think of a single "man" job that wasn't immediately met by either my dad or my neighbor when my ex left... save one...that can't be met by either my neighbor, or my dad...eeewwww!

Frankly I have more emotional support from my friends and family than I ever got from the ex. The "man-ish" household stuff (ie: repairs, lawns and garbage) have also been taken over. The repairs are being done in a more skilled manner than they ever were before. I can honestly say that I wake up grateful every day that I no longer have to choose to love a man who was so difficult to love.

As for the "God is my husband" idea...God knows he did not create me with a knack for celibacy. If I weren't a Christian I'd probably be a sex addict! (and yes I said that to my parents - and no it didn't shock them) God is supposed to be our first love even when we do have a spouse so why should God being my first love preclude me from an openness to finding a partner to fulfill an innate need?

I really am doing well. My (ulcer causing) stress is related to financial issues and navigating the co parenting crap not to the failure of my marriage. The people who see me and talk to me everyday, and really know how I am doing, are supportive of my choice to date. They see me as real as it gets, and they think it's ok. I just don't see that there is some law on how long I'm supposed to walk around feeling crappy because my husband left. When am I allowed to not be miserable anymore? I quit being miserable that he left within the first month he was gone. No, I didn't start dating that month. It's been over 6 months and I am ready to have some fun!

I guess my point is, I'm ready to get out. I'm not trying to numb my feelings. I am a bit too aware for that to be effective anyway I suspect. I'm not looking to be rescued - I honestly don't see a need. I don't think finding a new man will solve every problem I have ever had. In fact quite the opposite. I realize that when I do find someone there will be a whole new set of challenges to face. I am just hoping that at some point I find a man who is God's best for me and who will love me like Christ loves the church. The only way I'm going to find that man is if I am open to the possibility!

No comments: