Wednesday, October 3, 2007

Every thought captive...

I've been struggling lately. The idea of getting back into the dating thing is both exciting and horrifying all at the same time. I haven't started dating, and probably won't for a while but it's something I am contemplating. I'm terrified about how I am going to be who I say I am, and who God calls me to be, in the face of temptation. The thing that really scared me is that I have had an opportunity to make a new friend. He's someone I could totally see myself dating at some point. Here is the problem - I have felt temptation and there hasn't even been a legitimate opportunity for misbehaving. I had a day of feeling obsessed and ill about who I could see myself becoming.
It's funny because even before I knew that my husband was cheating, long before I suspected that I would ever be single again, God had begun to speak to my heart. Mostly it was about purity and how I remember knowing with certainty that it was important to be a virgin when I got married. Technically I thought I was. I began to see though that what I had done prior to marriage was not pure. God convicted me that purity, not virginity, was the goal. I even had a conversation with a close friend about how different my line would be if I had to go back and start over. I had a clear sense then of where God was saying my line should have been. Thing is, I really didn't think it was ever going to be an issue I had to put into practice.
Now that I do there's this internal urge to justify that it would have been so much easier if I had to meet that goal having never experienced sexual intimacy. Meeting that goal, while knowing what I'm missing, seems like an impossible task.
I found myself contemplating behavior with my new friend that would clearly cross that line. I actually had this internal dialogue that said I should just go ahead and screw up once and then get my crap together and worry about purity later. Then I realized that to do that would make me just like everything I say I'm not. When will it be easier to not sin? Well the answer is it won't - I just have to not sin. Starting now, at my first opportunity.
Well at some point I called some friends who I honestly thought would give me the "just go for it and don't worry about the consequences" response. They both said "stop - don't - who are you?!?!" So then I realized that I needed to go where I should have The Source. I need Him to help me stay pure. I need His strength made perfect in my weakness. Sure I can avoid temptation, but there will be some no matter how careful I am. I began to sense His words on my heart. I know that the only way I will succeed at being who I say I am, and who He calls me to be, is to intentionally take "every thought captive to the obedience of Christ."

1 comment:

MamaSue said...

Remember what Tom said during the series on spiritual warfare: when Satan starts whispering in your ear, you physically reach out, grab those words from the air with your fist, speak the rhema Word of God over them, and throw them away from yourself. We are NOT who we FEEL we are; we are who God SAYS we are. (Now you preach that same message back to me. Go.)